Waste Not, Want Not (by Rebecca Chasteen) Monday, Oct 12 2009

Sex
is so tricky;

It’s so easy
to get someone to love
how you look in their bed.

It’s so easy to
be wanted
and ride that high
unaware
there’s no where to land
unaware
what changed while you were up there.

It’s so hard to tell
when words are as real as they can be
and when they’re bargains for heavy breaths
(or the heavy breaths, bargains for words- we all know how that works).

It’s hard to tell
when everyone’s on the same page
and when
by some slight of hand
the page turns-
burns
love and lust
separate
instead of having them become one
movement
all in the same.

People lie and say
it doesn’t matter, no strings attached.
Never believe that.
Sex has never been
clean cut.
There has never been
“just a fuck”.

Bodies are driven, have motives, have spirits-
everything means something.
So
it should be a rule-
we have to love the ones we fuck,
no matter what.

And we have to trust the ones we love-
Isn’t that equation clear enough?
Take the guess work out of it.
Make it count.

We should demand to refuse
those
so bent on wreckage-
so concerned only with
their moment.

Sex should be fun
as much as is it should be love.

Make it matter (because it already does).

Waste no
body’s
offering.

Minimize nothing
with manipulation or make believe.
We owe our lovers all the honesty we’ve got
(and we should love the ones we fuck).

Waste no
heart’s efforts
with tricks and games
(where not everyone’s a player, but everyone gets played).

Waste not-
bodies or hearts
or want not-
right from the start.

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It’s a happy madness (by Rebecca Chasteen) Saturday, Oct 10 2009

It’s a happy madness.

I wish you understood
the clothes on the floor,
the books and papers and pens-
the movement.

I wish you saw how pretty
the movement
is;
the moments when
nothing matters.

I could never trust you with that,
with something
as precious as that;

of course I tried,
only to find
.every.
.time.
you marked it wrong,
told me so
and grabbed me to come along.

But I’m happy
in the madness, the movement
I am happy

in,

on,

my own

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bury (by Rebecca Chasteen) Tuesday, Oct 6 2009

if i could bury myself in this, i would. i would suffocate myself with this. i would place it over my mouth, my nose, my eyes. i
would just let it be the last thing i breathe, the last thing i see, the last thing i think. i
would leave it
just like that. so i would never have to wake up without it one more day. so i
would never
have to look at it from a distance, from an unimaginable distance. i
wouldn’t have to
yell into the void between, the place where my voice never reaches, my words
never matter enough.
i wouldn’t question again why i stand on the fringe of it all, why i
assume
my bridges are too shaky, or my roots too heavy, my intensity too much or
of course, not enough, whatever the argument may be. or that i
am too much or
too little
never again a concern because,entombed in this, i couldn’t be
anything else
but the one who carried this so close it took over and
took my place, couraged me enough to
let go and just
be this
and nothing else, since
i
never really was the rest. i never really was anything else anyway.

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Hard to mend (by Rebecca Chasteen) Tuesday, Sep 15 2009

I told her to be careful of the dreams she weaves,
and all the things she makes herself believe

He said nothing when she said she felt
Nothing like this before with someone else
He let her spin and weave the fantasy
That made him more than he would ever be
Too many girls take love from a kiss
In which no trace of love exists

You should have seen the way she looked at him
But dreams come true less than they end

She wrote him letters
And she called his phone
He never answered and she felt alone
It really didn’t take that long to see
The guy she loved wasn’t reality
Too many girls lay down with men
To wake and find how quick dreams end

He let her cry, he let her curse his name
She let him know nothing would feel the same
Too many hearts aren’t broken by men themselves
But by girls who dreamed them into something else

I told her dreams unraveled can be used again
But it turns out that dreams are hard to mend.

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Tin Men (by Rebecca Chasteen) Tuesday, Sep 15 2009

“I strongly suspect that the capacity for pain and the capacity for joy are equal. Only those who have suffered great pain are able to know equally great joy.” Madeline L’Engle

Tin Men

Sometimes
I just want to kick you (so many of you) in the chest,
break you open
What could you possibly be hiding?
Hiding from?
You must think there’s safety in being numb.
You think there’s no redemption, no healing comes?

It’s really not that bad,
feeling things.
You think everyone hasn’t felt that same
hesitation?
It’s just, there comes a point
where you let go,
until you do
there are things you’ll never know,
never understand.

How good can you possibly feel,
Holding back like that?
Tell me you don’t seek what you lack.

You have logic, and vices, and jokes
but I’ve seen your capacity
flicker in your eyes.
Sometimes when you speak
and words are left waiting,
I see what we don’t say.
You think it falls away?

Don’t talk to me about reason and hurt-
those are just graves,
I won’t wallow in that dirt.
I can’t stand clichéd excuses,
it’s so pathetic
and a completely useless
attempt of defense.

Do you really believe cold hard walls make you strong?
All they are is fear,
leaving you too weak to take the risk.

Countless tin men;
women pour themselves over,
hunting the smallest crack in armor.
Just trying
to give something to make the tin men real.

I can’t count the times
I ache
for you (each of you)
to break open
before you’ve lost too much.

“The waste of life lies in the love we have not given, the powers we have not used, the selfish prudence which will risk nothing and which, shirking pain, misses happiness as well.” Unknown

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Nothing Lost (by Rebecca Chasteen) Tuesday, Jul 28 2009

Everything always rests in the air.
I fall apart,
and it ends up right there;

tension and aching
everything breaking-
pouring
sex
and
anger,
love
and
disgust,
fear and longing,
elation and crushed…

dreams and
disappointment
sincerity,
lust

I don’t trust
any one
enough
to hand them my heart
well, I have-
but that
fell apart
that,
was pretend

I believe in second chances
but some things
don’t mend,
some things
don’t settle
some things,
ride gusts of wind
hang on clouds
fog up windshields,
thicken-
hang around…

some things dissipate,
float away
only to
reassemble and return another day
find another way
to circle me
like a vulture,
like a hawk,
like the most insistent
stalk
the things they know are theirs…

I stand in smog,
in cool breezes
heavy air,
easy breathing
and still
all the honesty won’t leave
can’t be blown or brushed-
disguised at times, but never hushed
can’t be driven beyond the clouds
or to the ground

can’t be found and held captive in a distant cell
it knows me well
and clings instead
right around my chest,
just beside my head
asks me to inhale
teases me to breathe deep
and take it all back in
it waits
by my skin
insisting again
to mix, to intoxicate my strength
with courage

every exhale
requires a breath
that begs for compensation
all I’ve ever let go
is waiting…
condensation
evaporation
relocation

I’ll never be allowed to breathe
completely free
until I find a place for the words I let go
but won’t let go of me

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The “Hard” Collection (by Rebecca Chasteen) Tuesday, Jul 28 2009

Hardest session (with reflection):

It’s hard to stop
seeing
a shattered person
it’s hard
to know
how to feel

I spent too long believing

everything came
too soon
or too late

I’m angry half the time I pray

these are deeper cuts
then I ever knew
and there’s no one to bear witness
as it all bleeds through

what was lost
wasn’t even real

the bitterness of disappointment
makes me purge
myself
of the like

only to realize
I am made of much less
than I imagined

but that does little
to surprise me now.

Hardest lesson:

Everything
is too much to entrust
(but it took being crushed)

I held on,
being pushed away
I was shut out,
and I just prayed
I was put down,
but just loved too much

I gave all there was
I gave myself up

And the shock
depleted my reserves,
tainted every place you were

I’d convinced myself if I gave it all,
I’d get everything in return
and so came the hardest lesson
I ever had to learn

Broke so much I got set free:

I cried
I prayed
I tried
I stayed

I’m done.

Words are never enough:

You say you love
But words are never enough
Especially after hurting so much

You say you feel
But you have yet to prove it
Hurry up
You’re going to lose it

I can only want for so long
And I’ve been wanting so long

I can’t function like this
I think, deep down,
You like you can wreck me

Whatever

Break my heart
Over and over
Break my spirit
Chip my shoulder

You don’t want me to hate you
But it’s getting to where
I wish we never met
I wish I couldn’t care

The part of the vows no one wants to talk about:

I can’t get your hands
To make me feel loved

We all know love’s not enough
But does it take so much
Of other things
To justify
these rings?

Why does it still hurt?

I’m so sick
of the play by play
who hurt who how
point is:
it got this way.

I don’t have much else to say
that you can understand
just grasping for
truth you can stomach

And how did this
go so wrong?
We can fight about it
all night long
till
you get mad
I cry
is this the homestretch
or the long goodbye?

When does it all fall back together?
When does “it’s over” sound worse than forever?

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Tundras in Time (by Rebecca Chasteen) Tuesday, Jul 7 2009

I told you
things change
or they fade

Is that why you’re so far away?

Is that why
we’re frozen in time?

Everything’s unsure,
that’s the guarantee.

Me and you
you and me
we

stay right where we were.
Is that
a blessing
or a curse?

I never knew
what was worse,
with you
or without

and now
I’m walking around
with these two ghosts

we’ll never move
forward
we’ll never let go
we’ll never be less or more
we’ll never know…

the test
the trick
is to
rest here
till we’re forced to
melt
or move.

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Skin Tuesday, Jul 7 2009

I know crying doesn’t change a thing

I know I could have
sat somewhere else
or moved faster
spoke firmer
I could have
but I didn’t
and I can’t shake
unwelcome hands
pleading face

you can’t say
” I love you”
“come back soon”
when I’m running out of the room
when I said to stop

what about me said
I didn’t mean it?

or are you
too hard up
too assuming
too confused

I could do worse
and I could do better
than this
than tears in the car
professional phone call
coffee at the mall

this is
brush the dirt off your shoulder
kind of thing
and didn’t I show you my child
my ring?

I don’t know why you even tried
or why
I didn’t
exit quicker
why I cried

my skin’s thicker.

5 Responses »

 

Pretty (by Rebecca Chasteen) Monday, Jun 29 2009

Don’t be so surprised by pretty mouths full of dirty words-
the dirty is not the part that hurts.

Everyone knows
pretty only gets you so far
and it’ll come down to
what you’ll swallow
and what you’ll spit,
what you’ll reject
and what you’ll stretch or shrink to fit

Pretty mouths
have to learn
“Me first”
and
“Fuck you”
or even
“Fuck me”

Pretty mouths have to be
able to say “No”
and spit it with conviction

Pretty mouths
have to practice non-pretty ways
to secure attention

Pretty mouths
have to be willing
to dirty themselves
with
sex and money and politics,
with opinions and arguments

Pretty mouths
have to put out
exactly
what they’re told to take down
so their voice
makes it’s way around
the teeth and tongue and lips,
all the things that rest on the tips…

I’m not saying pretty mouths
can’t gloss it up,
can’t pout it out,
can’t pour out sweet,
and drink sweet down

I’m not saying pretty mouths
can’t move as they choose-
but a pretty mouth that won’t get dirty
may lose all there is to lose

So don’t you dare lay out
fairytales
for little lips
from the spoons of your mouths

Don’t enchant them
with dreams that someone else must fulfill
(because no one can and no one will)

No-
feed them
honesty and the power of vocabulary
that spans all the things they’ll ever taste or
have to demand or
suck away from someone else
to make sure they have enough for themselves

Feed them love and feed them the gritty,
just don’t feed them
the crutch of pretty.

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