pour the waves (by Rebecca Chasteen) Monday, Oct 12 2009

Some days,
the music just has to be loud
loud enough
to drive out all temptation to believe in lies
to drive out the numb that doesn’t try

The music just has to be moving enough
to keep me moving
has to remind me of
everything that matters
everything that moves
there is never
nothing
I can do

I can do
something with this
even if it’s
just feel it
even if it’s
just be here

be here
and don’t leave
don’t obliterate myself
on rocky shores
don’t release my grasp
don’t follow their lead
this is what there is to believe-
this is all there is
and this is all that matters

some days
the music just has to be loud
loud enough
to remind me

I just have to be needy enough
to pull it in
anxious
angry
enough
to demand more

pour the waves
pour the waves
pour the waves

my skin is bare
my throat is dry
my stomach waits
my heart aches

pour the waves
pour the waves
pour the waves

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big children, small adults (by Rebecca Chasteen) Tuesday, Sep 29 2009

Can I just say,

it was unfair

to let me be

such a small adult.

love was not enough

to show me the ropes

A child’s decisions

should be questioned.

Didn’t anyone see

the child in me?

Didn’t anyone

lack enough belief?

It was obligation,

everything I did

It was preservation,

everything I hid

It was fear,

every time I ran

It was grasping

to understand

everything you couldn’t tell me

while you were so consumed

You didn’t see the child in me,

but I saw the one in you.

And I knew if I lost it,

if I let go

there’d be no one to come and get me

no one would know

what to say

and no one would realize

till much too late.

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Pandora’s box (by Rebecca Chasteen) Tuesday, Sep 29 2009

I listen to angry music

way too loud

dig my nails into my skin

diverting the pain

until it is safe

until the knots are gone

until the threat of unraveling has subsided

and I’m breathing again

it is then

I’ve regained possession

I cautiously

return to living

and carefully

step around

the pandora’s box

that looks like you.

4 Responses »

 

Hope and Stay (by Rebecca Chasteen) Tuesday, Sep 29 2009

If I could find the vessel

that so resiliently

keeps producing this optimism,

I would rip the damn thing out

that would have to be

less painful

than the torturous wait

that hoping creates

always believing

seems so masochistic

there’s no giving up, no numbing relief of indifference,

no walking away

just hope

and stay.

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Tamper proof (by Rebecca Chasteen) Thursday, Sep 24 2009

This is
keeping my head above water
keeping my hands off those bottles,
most of the time

this may be a lie
but this is mine

I
do more than survive
with this inside

I own everything-
everything is within my range

as long as there’s room for movement
within this

I wrap myself in it,
it cushions every fall,
it walks with me through every wall…

this
may be a lie,
but this is mine

and this is
keeping my head above water
keeping my hands off those bottles

most of the time

4 Responses »

 

Bring The Fighter Back (by Rebecca Chasteen) Tuesday, Sep 15 2009

Bring the fighter back,
You’ve been under attack for too long.
Letting go-
you let too much get gone.
Sometimes you wonder just where it went wrong.

You look in the mirror
and all you see
is who you used to be,
want to be,
will never be.

You can’t get free of the things
that keep breaking you down -
the things you let tear you right to the ground

Well,
Stop.

Bring the fighter back.
You’ve it all go slack.
You need to stop letting things kick your ass,
And start kicking back.

You feel lost,
At a loss,
Never enough,
Like giving up

Bring the fighter back.
You’re back and forth,
You’re up and down,
On and off the right track,
Never feeling found,
Where you stand never seeming sound.

You’re buried.
And wanting.
Stop mourning.
Start pushing.

Because the battles we fight on the inside
are the ones that effect our day-to-day lives.

Find a way to put your vices down.
It’s time to GET UP
And stop sitting around.
Find the things you’re missing.
Be done with envy and wishing.

Stop whispering excuses,
And screaming out blame.

Bring the fighter back,
And get back in the game.

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The Axis (by Rebecca Chasteen) Saturday, Aug 15 2009

The sadness

just

carries-

same as always.

The same ache,

and there’s no one

waiting.

We are worlds apart,

galaxies between.

And somehow

that doesn’t dull the drive,

the curiosity,

the hunger,

the need.

It doesn’t slow the sadness

at my axis-

that which I spin upon-

can’t separate myself from.

Who would I be

without this?

Would I stop moving?

Would I combust?

Would we…

Of course I can’t ask that

we still have lightyears to cross.

We have so much darkness to navigate,

so many rocks and ice and  flames.

I can’t do anything with this

but repeat it.

All these arrangements of letters and words,

to say the same thing.

Of all the things that change

this isn’t one.

This is

strange gravity,

pulling, spinning, ignoring me.

You are

so far,

so much.

I can’t touch anything

without the greatest efforts and manipulations-

just for seconds of hope I squeeze from your stars.

I miss everything we never are.

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Nothing Lost (by Rebecca Chasteen) Tuesday, Jul 28 2009

Everything always rests in the air.
I fall apart,
and it ends up right there;

tension and aching
everything breaking-
pouring
sex
and
anger,
love
and
disgust,
fear and longing,
elation and crushed…

dreams and
disappointment
sincerity,
lust

I don’t trust
any one
enough
to hand them my heart
well, I have-
but that
fell apart
that,
was pretend

I believe in second chances
but some things
don’t mend,
some things
don’t settle
some things,
ride gusts of wind
hang on clouds
fog up windshields,
thicken-
hang around…

some things dissipate,
float away
only to
reassemble and return another day
find another way
to circle me
like a vulture,
like a hawk,
like the most insistent
stalk
the things they know are theirs…

I stand in smog,
in cool breezes
heavy air,
easy breathing
and still
all the honesty won’t leave
can’t be blown or brushed-
disguised at times, but never hushed
can’t be driven beyond the clouds
or to the ground

can’t be found and held captive in a distant cell
it knows me well
and clings instead
right around my chest,
just beside my head
asks me to inhale
teases me to breathe deep
and take it all back in
it waits
by my skin
insisting again
to mix, to intoxicate my strength
with courage

every exhale
requires a breath
that begs for compensation
all I’ve ever let go
is waiting…
condensation
evaporation
relocation

I’ll never be allowed to breathe
completely free
until I find a place for the words I let go
but won’t let go of me

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The “Hard” Collection (by Rebecca Chasteen) Tuesday, Jul 28 2009

Hardest session (with reflection):

It’s hard to stop
seeing
a shattered person
it’s hard
to know
how to feel

I spent too long believing

everything came
too soon
or too late

I’m angry half the time I pray

these are deeper cuts
then I ever knew
and there’s no one to bear witness
as it all bleeds through

what was lost
wasn’t even real

the bitterness of disappointment
makes me purge
myself
of the like

only to realize
I am made of much less
than I imagined

but that does little
to surprise me now.

Hardest lesson:

Everything
is too much to entrust
(but it took being crushed)

I held on,
being pushed away
I was shut out,
and I just prayed
I was put down,
but just loved too much

I gave all there was
I gave myself up

And the shock
depleted my reserves,
tainted every place you were

I’d convinced myself if I gave it all,
I’d get everything in return
and so came the hardest lesson
I ever had to learn

Broke so much I got set free:

I cried
I prayed
I tried
I stayed

I’m done.

Words are never enough:

You say you love
But words are never enough
Especially after hurting so much

You say you feel
But you have yet to prove it
Hurry up
You’re going to lose it

I can only want for so long
And I’ve been wanting so long

I can’t function like this
I think, deep down,
You like you can wreck me

Whatever

Break my heart
Over and over
Break my spirit
Chip my shoulder

You don’t want me to hate you
But it’s getting to where
I wish we never met
I wish I couldn’t care

The part of the vows no one wants to talk about:

I can’t get your hands
To make me feel loved

We all know love’s not enough
But does it take so much
Of other things
To justify
these rings?

Why does it still hurt?

I’m so sick
of the play by play
who hurt who how
point is:
it got this way.

I don’t have much else to say
that you can understand
just grasping for
truth you can stomach

And how did this
go so wrong?
We can fight about it
all night long
till
you get mad
I cry
is this the homestretch
or the long goodbye?

When does it all fall back together?
When does “it’s over” sound worse than forever?

4 Responses »

 

Haiku Tuesday, Jul 28 2009

I need roots, not vines

what’s the use of wings if I

never get to fly?

2 Responses »