I am not (by Rebecca Chasteen) Monday, Jan 4 2010

Fear is always the enemy,
the thief that runs away with all the foundations
I lay my feet, my head, my heart upon,
leaving me questioning if the sky, the sun, your words, your hands…

everything,
everything,
everything…

leaving me thinking I am wasted,
I am a waste,
I am nothing.

I am looking at the darkest reflections in the pools
that fall at my feet,
I don’t know what I believe.

I just know I fear that I am
so completely offensive
to gather up with,
that there is nothing to do with me but use me quickly and turn me away,
that I don’t take my cues quick enough to leave,
that I am an instant regret, before I even reach your skin…

Where within do I house this hate?
Why do I keep it here, breeding in silence behind
walls of certain doubt?
Why is it here at all?
Who told me this?
Who did I believe?

I ask too much.
I want too much.
I’m not worth it.

I am not,
I am not,
I am not
buying this,

am I?

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Turn on the amp and play me a song (by Rebecca Chasteen) Friday, Dec 18 2009

All the roads seem long
when you’re already home
and you can’t stay.

Listening to you play,
I’m afraid to move
and break this bubble-
your skin on mine
almost makes me cry
dreading the minute you move,
put on your shoes…

I don’t know if it’s worse to see you
or to pretend
it’s all pretend

I can’t catch my breath
when the moment ends
I wait quiet, letting it settle in me
letting it carve out a place
letting it
be

I just want
I just
I
know,
I know

We’re still
just people
managing
only briefly
to be in the same place
at the same time

I watch the branches out the window
I watch you
I watch myself…
this
has to stay here-
beautiful thing that it is-
won’t make it out there yet,

(if it ever will)

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I don’t need (by Rebecca Chasteen) Thursday, Dec 10 2009

(I may change this title…)

There are all these lies, taking up my space, all my time-
I can’t breathe like this

I find your voice,
right beside mine,
and there is something so so right

everything slides into the sun,
the doors just opened baby

I don’t need, I promise, I don’t need

something about this is good enough
to fight the urge to ask anything of you-

isn’t that love?

(I feel like there’s going to be a part two to this…it’s missing the rest of the thought…I’m just not there yet…)

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I barely found these words (by Rebecca Chasteen) Thursday, Dec 3 2009

I can’t find the title
to go with this,
I can’t register
I can’t

tell you anything-
I know that now,
so I don’t try.
(okay, I’m trying not to try)

I
dug in, out, away
when you drove on past me sitting there
holding on to
what I took that morning
(I take everything I can)

knowing it had to be handled just right
for me to keep it
for me to bring it with me

I wonder if you leave me crumbs
or if I make them up

I looked at my stomach’s skin, my thighs
the next time I was alone
and couldn’t believe
how easy it is to let you see
what disgusts me
and I wonder
if you see it too?

all I see of you
is love (and sex)

you know
I can’t not love you (touch you)

right?

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pour the waves (by Rebecca Chasteen) Monday, Oct 12 2009

Some days,
the music just has to be loud
loud enough
to drive out all temptation to believe in lies
to drive out the numb that doesn’t try

The music just has to be moving enough
to keep me moving
has to remind me of
everything that matters
everything that moves
there is never
nothing
I can do

I can do
something with this
even if it’s
just feel it
even if it’s
just be here

be here
and don’t leave
don’t obliterate myself
on rocky shores
don’t release my grasp
don’t follow their lead
this is what there is to believe-
this is all there is
and this is all that matters

some days
the music just has to be loud
loud enough
to remind me

I just have to be needy enough
to pull it in
anxious
angry
enough
to demand more

pour the waves
pour the waves
pour the waves

my skin is bare
my throat is dry
my stomach waits
my heart aches

pour the waves
pour the waves
pour the waves

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big children, small adults (by Rebecca Chasteen) Tuesday, Sep 29 2009

Can I just say,

it was unfair

to let me be

such a small adult.

love was not enough

to show me the ropes

A child’s decisions

should be questioned.

Didn’t anyone see

the child in me?

Didn’t anyone

lack enough belief?

It was obligation,

everything I did

It was preservation,

everything I hid

It was fear,

every time I ran

It was grasping

to understand

everything you couldn’t tell me

while you were so consumed

You didn’t see the child in me,

but I saw the one in you.

And I knew if I lost it,

if I let go

there’d be no one to come and get me

no one would know

what to say

and no one would realize

till much too late.

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Pandora’s box (by Rebecca Chasteen) Tuesday, Sep 29 2009

I listen to angry music

way too loud

dig my nails into my skin

diverting the pain

until it is safe

until the knots are gone

until the threat of unraveling has subsided

and I’m breathing again

it is then

I’ve regained possession

I cautiously

return to living

and carefully

step around

the pandora’s box

that looks like you.

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Hope and Stay (by Rebecca Chasteen) Tuesday, Sep 29 2009

If I could find the vessel

that so resiliently

keeps producing this optimism,

I would rip the damn thing out

that would have to be

less painful

than the torturous wait

that hoping creates

always believing

seems so masochistic

there’s no giving up, no numbing relief of indifference,

no walking away

just hope

and stay.

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Tamper proof (by Rebecca Chasteen) Thursday, Sep 24 2009

This is
keeping my head above water
keeping my hands off those bottles,
most of the time

this may be a lie
but this is mine

I
do more than survive
with this inside

I own everything-
everything is within my range

as long as there’s room for movement
within this

I wrap myself in it,
it cushions every fall,
it walks with me through every wall…

this
may be a lie,
but this is mine

and this is
keeping my head above water
keeping my hands off those bottles

most of the time

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Bring The Fighter Back (by Rebecca Chasteen) Tuesday, Sep 15 2009

Bring the fighter back,
You’ve been under attack for too long.
Letting go-
you let too much get gone.
Sometimes you wonder just where it went wrong.

You look in the mirror
and all you see
is who you used to be,
want to be,
will never be.

You can’t get free of the things
that keep breaking you down -
the things you let tear you right to the ground

Well,
Stop.

Bring the fighter back.
You’ve it all go slack.
You need to stop letting things kick your ass,
And start kicking back.

You feel lost,
At a loss,
Never enough,
Like giving up

Bring the fighter back.
You’re back and forth,
You’re up and down,
On and off the right track,
Never feeling found,
Where you stand never seeming sound.

You’re buried.
And wanting.
Stop mourning.
Start pushing.

Because the battles we fight on the inside
are the ones that effect our day-to-day lives.

Find a way to put your vices down.
It’s time to GET UP
And stop sitting around.
Find the things you’re missing.
Be done with envy and wishing.

Stop whispering excuses,
And screaming out blame.

Bring the fighter back,
And get back in the game.

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