Non rhyming consequence, fear, grief, honesty, intimacy, life, love, prayer, relationships, sex 10:45 pm
I want to apologize
every time he touches me
because I’m so sorry
it’s not you.
You know I tried,
right?
Or doesn’t it count-
so long ago?
Or doesn’t it matter
at all?
I hold tight to hope
while shadows push their way
as far as they can go,
take everything they can…
They can’t
take this-
this part that’s been waiting.
You know
I always wanted YOU-
right?
Non rhyming communication, determination, fantasy, fear, honesty, letting go, living, longing, purpose, relationships, self, solitude, writing 3:49 pm
if i could bury myself in this, i would. i would suffocate myself with this. i would place it over my mouth, my nose, my eyes. i
would just let it be the last thing i breathe, the last thing i see, the last thing i think. i
would leave it
just like that. so i would never have to wake up without it one more day. so i
would never
have to look at it from a distance, from an unimaginable distance. i
wouldn’t have to
yell into the void between, the place where my voice never reaches, my words
never matter enough.
i wouldn’t question again why i stand on the fringe of it all, why i
assume
my bridges are too shaky, or my roots too heavy, my intensity too much or
of course, not enough, whatever the argument may be. or that i
am too much or
too little
never again a concern because,entombed in this, i couldn’t be
anything else
but the one who carried this so close it took over and
took my place, couraged me enough to
let go and just
be this
and nothing else, since
i
never really was the rest. i never really was anything else anyway.
Rhyming communication, distance, fear, honesty, intimacy, living, relationships, strength 4:36 pm
“I strongly suspect that the capacity for pain and the capacity for joy are equal. Only those who have suffered great pain are able to know equally great joy.” Madeline L’Engle
Tin Men
Sometimes
I just want to kick you (so many of you) in the chest,
break you open
What could you possibly be hiding?
Hiding from?
You must think there’s safety in being numb.
You think there’s no redemption, no healing comes?
It’s really not that bad,
feeling things.
You think everyone hasn’t felt that same
hesitation?
It’s just, there comes a point
where you let go,
until you do
there are things you’ll never know,
never understand.
How good can you possibly feel,
Holding back like that?
Tell me you don’t seek what you lack.
You have logic, and vices, and jokes
but I’ve seen your capacity
flicker in your eyes.
Sometimes when you speak
and words are left waiting,
I see what we don’t say.
You think it falls away?
Don’t talk to me about reason and hurt-
those are just graves,
I won’t wallow in that dirt.
I can’t stand clichéd excuses,
it’s so pathetic
and a completely useless
attempt of defense.
Do you really believe cold hard walls make you strong?
All they are is fear,
leaving you too weak to take the risk.
Countless tin men;
women pour themselves over,
hunting the smallest crack in armor.
Just trying
to give something to make the tin men real.
I can’t count the times
I ache
for you (each of you)
to break open
before you’ve lost too much.
“The waste of life lies in the love we have not given, the powers we have not used, the selfish prudence which will risk nothing and which, shirking pain, misses happiness as well.” Unknown
Rhyming consequence, fear, letting go, longing, love, relationships, self, strength 4:27 pm
You try to look past
all the things he’ll say
that always end up
making you feel this way.
But you know inside
it’s kinda wrong
until you hear his favorite song
and go back to when
you felt so loved
and you just don’t want to be
the one to give up.
In your mind, you rationalize
the things he does
and convince yourself
that your love is enough.
You look at him
and see the man
you’re sure he is deep down.
You’re sure if you just stick around,
that man will come out.
But the boy he is now
is always tearing you down
then picking you up
and dragging you around.
You say “Maybe it’s not his fault.”
You’re heart sinks to the floor
as you realize you’re caught.
He calls the shots,
He makes the rules,
He picks you apart,
He knows what to do
to keep you
just broken enough
that you never get your strength back up.
So much of who you’ve become
has been you wanting to be his “one”
And you’re scared to death
that if you lose him, you’ll lose yourself
And you’ll never find you again
or anyone else.
But that’s not true.
When do you say ” I’ve done all I could”
and step out on a limb and do what you should?
When do you decide
this version of love is wrong?
When can you not think of him
when you hear those songs?
When do you feel that you’ll be okay
that a day without him is not a wasted day?
When do you realize this is less
than you will accept?
When do you break free
and take that step?
You give and you give,
When do you give it up
and let go
of the love
that keeps you so torn up?
Collection and Piecework and Rhyming aftermath, anger, broken, communication, consequence, coping, distance, fear, grief, honesty, intimacy, letting go, life, love, relationships, sex, strength 10:41 pm
Hardest session (with reflection):
It’s hard to stop
seeing
a shattered person
it’s hard
to know
how to feel
I spent too long believing
everything came
too soon
or too late
I’m angry half the time I pray
these are deeper cuts
then I ever knew
and there’s no one to bear witness
as it all bleeds through
what was lost
wasn’t even real
the bitterness of disappointment
makes me purge
myself
of the like
only to realize
I am made of much less
than I imagined
but that does little
to surprise me now.
Hardest lesson:
Everything
is too much to entrust
(but it took being crushed)
I held on,
being pushed away
I was shut out,
and I just prayed
I was put down,
but just loved too much
I gave all there was
I gave myself up
And the shock
depleted my reserves,
tainted every place you were
I’d convinced myself if I gave it all,
I’d get everything in return
and so came the hardest lesson
I ever had to learn
Broke so much I got set free:
I cried
I prayed
I tried
I stayed
I’m done.
Words are never enough:
You say you love
But words are never enough
Especially after hurting so much
You say you feel
But you have yet to prove it
Hurry up
You’re going to lose it
I can only want for so long
And I’ve been wanting so long
I can’t function like this
I think, deep down,
You like you can wreck me
Whatever
Break my heart
Over and over
Break my spirit
Chip my shoulder
You don’t want me to hate you
But it’s getting to where
I wish we never met
I wish I couldn’t care
The part of the vows no one wants to talk about:
I can’t get your hands
To make me feel loved
We all know love’s not enough
But does it take so much
Of other things
To justify
these rings?
Why does it still hurt?
I’m so sick
of the play by play
who hurt who how
point is:
it got this way.
I don’t have much else to say
that you can understand
just grasping for
truth you can stomach
And how did this
go so wrong?
We can fight about it
all night long
till
you get mad
I cry
is this the homestretch
or the long goodbye?
When does it all fall back together?
When does “it’s over” sound worse than forever?
Haiku and Rhyming and Vintage anger, coping, family, fear, letting go, life, living, longing, self 10:36 pm
I need roots, not vines
what’s the use of wings if I
never get to fly?
Rhyming and Stained Glass Journals coping, determination, fear, friendship, life, living, open, purpose, relationships, self, strength 4:02 pm
I couldn’t slip through
I couldn’t side step you-
don’t worry
the best
can
get beyond the worst
with such quiet calm
they look crazy
and I am satisfied
with my changes
blazes
eradicate
the least important things,
so I’ve never really minded being licked by flames
the more you rough me up,
the smoother I become;
sandpaper against scratches
just polishes me up
I don’t try
to stand above,
untouched
I don’t stop
uneasy,
unsure
whatever label you’ve given me,
just know that I’m more
I can take any shape
and I’m so pliant
I won’t break
So,
I didn’t slip through
I didn’t side step you
I didn’t try to.
Non rhyming aftermath, broken, consequence, coping, fear, intimacy, longing, lonliness, love, relationships, sex, substance use 12:16 am
chase the bitterness with something sweet,
that’s what she does when she’s chasing men.
switch it up
when she can’t catch the buzz
chase men who break her
with men who make her feel good again
and ignore the fact that feelings fade
and ignore the risk of getting drunk on him
and starting to get wrapped up
whisper love
till she comes down
and sees it all in sober light
chase down the lies she was told last night
get that disappointment out of her mouth
chasing men never ends
the constant intoxication impairs too much
and creates false realities
that anyone not so wasted
can’t see
chasing men like she believes
she’ll ever get one that keeps her high
chasing men like there’s a perfect fit
chasing men till she loses too much
chasing men till the men give up
chase him before she loses hope
she needs someone at the end of her rope
she needs to believe she can find one
that keeps her feeling all the good stuff
the right way
be ready to chase him,
cause he may not stay.
Non rhyming and Prompted aftermath, consequence, coping, fear, personal history 9:01 pm
Backwards Poem
I rise from the pavement,
the wounds on my hands
re-covered by the flesh
that unhooks from the asphalt.
The large SUV backs up,
the door opens,
and I grab for my purse handle.
The faint screams
gather back in my mouth.
The man gets out of the car
and looks into the backseat.
I place my purse on my shoulder,
And my Wal-Mat bag in my hand.
I back away
towards the store.
The eerie feeling leaves,
the carelessness returns.
I’ve been doing the Poem A Day challenge by Writer’s Digest (I’ll post those when the challenge is done), so I haven’t written anything besides that lately and I thought I’d pull some poems I wrote during a Creative Writing Class in 2005. I don’t have much attachment to prompted poems really (though I am kind of fond of some of the ones I’ve done for this challenge…) but I do write about things in prompted poems that I don’t usually write about, so I’m glad for the prompts. This one is probably my favorite of the ones I wrote during that class.
Non rhyming aftermath, anxiety, broken, coping, faith, fear, language, living, personal history, perspective, strength 12:30 am
I know I have fought this before:
the same wolf, wearing a different sheep suit.
And it took more time than I ever thought it should, but I woke up one day
and it was over.
So in the morning, instead of giving in,
I will aggressively argue against this.
I will win this with the words I choose.
Those I use as stepping stones,
I will lift from the ground and throw at my offender.
Those I use as posts to lean upon, to keep the weight of it all
from flattening me to the floor,
I will take into my hands and assume the ready position,
ready to beat back the unwelcome, the unhelpful, the unending.
And the words I define myself and my life and my day by,
the ones that color and shape,
that create,
I will push them out of the little space at the very top of my head, right above my brain
and I will push them down into the places behind my eyes, into my throat, my mouth,
my chest, my fingers, my stomach, my legs.
They will vision me and speak for me and breathe for me
and feel for me and fuel me and move me.
They will mean something.
and those words that wait in the back of my gut, the front of my throat,
expanding in my chest,
asphyxiating, tethering, marbleizing me
those words that pick at the loose threads and unravel me from the inside out,
I will not, I will not, I will not
give them room to move.
I will suffocate them before they suffocate me, I will deconstruct them
until they are just discarded letters,
meaningless, powerless, pointless.
I will actively seek de-escalation and safe places outside myself
that I can cross into and gather the resources to continue.
And should I begin to run out of words or reserves,
I will quickly and quietly make my way to one of these saving graces
instead of being immobilized and devoured.
I have but to everyday just make it to the next
until the day comes that the wolf has collapsed right outside my door,
beaten, dehydrated, starved, strangled, stripped of his sheep’s suit,
and weary from exhaustion, from being so constantly disproved.
And most of all, most of all
I have to believe that day will come.
