bury (by Rebecca Chasteen) Tuesday, Oct 6 2009

if i could bury myself in this, i would. i would suffocate myself with this. i would place it over my mouth, my nose, my eyes. i
would just let it be the last thing i breathe, the last thing i see, the last thing i think. i
would leave it
just like that. so i would never have to wake up without it one more day. so i
would never
have to look at it from a distance, from an unimaginable distance. i
wouldn’t have to
yell into the void between, the place where my voice never reaches, my words
never matter enough.
i wouldn’t question again why i stand on the fringe of it all, why i
assume
my bridges are too shaky, or my roots too heavy, my intensity too much or
of course, not enough, whatever the argument may be. or that i
am too much or
too little
never again a concern because,entombed in this, i couldn’t be
anything else
but the one who carried this so close it took over and
took my place, couraged me enough to
let go and just
be this
and nothing else, since
i
never really was the rest. i never really was anything else anyway.

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big children, small adults (by Rebecca Chasteen) Tuesday, Sep 29 2009

Can I just say,

it was unfair

to let me be

such a small adult.

love was not enough

to show me the ropes

A child’s decisions

should be questioned.

Didn’t anyone see

the child in me?

Didn’t anyone

lack enough belief?

It was obligation,

everything I did

It was preservation,

everything I hid

It was fear,

every time I ran

It was grasping

to understand

everything you couldn’t tell me

while you were so consumed

You didn’t see the child in me,

but I saw the one in you.

And I knew if I lost it,

if I let go

there’d be no one to come and get me

no one would know

what to say

and no one would realize

till much too late.

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Life’s Breath (by Rebecca Chasteen) Tuesday, Sep 29 2009

I’ve always loved the recklessness

the road warned against

supplies

the breath of life

comes from choosing feeling

the road suggested

comes stealing conviction,

suffocating belief,

handing out grief,

it will work a spirit till it’s weak

and considers falling in line

happens all the time

to even the most headstrong

poison in the heart

making it all seem wrong

making what’s not

look so good

making what is

look like something no one would

hold on to

And the choosers forget why they choose what they choose

and don’t know what is true

or what to do

clarity comes

in so many forms

looks like perseverance pays-

seeking the soul of things

till

the chooser gets back the reigns

and can see

what it feels like

to have been right

from the first step

of recklessness

the gritty sweet

of life’s breath.

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Nothing left- the final step (by Rebecca Chasteen) Tuesday, Sep 15 2009

You stand, stripped, looking at the mirror
your lack of reflection proves your disappearance
you are a million things,
and nothing

everything you took off
is now wrapped around your ankles,
tight-
like shackles
you can’t put anything back, nothing fits anymore

You wait for someone to take you,
but there’s nothing left to take.

You move, slowly, weighted,
towards sleep
but you don’t even know which way to go
your compass broke

You have no convictions-
sounds like a death sentence.

faith drips from your skin,
making puddles beside love-belief
it will all evaporate
like trust
disappointment had you purge enough
to be rid of hope
and reconciliation

You search for something,
words-
that mean nothing and change nothing
you try them,
taste them,
throw them out.

The depths of you are vacant now, aren’t they?

It’s dangerous, not to mention unattractive
to stand the way you do,
waiting
spilled open
aimless

I have nothing left to say to you.

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A day without him is not a wasted day (by Rebecca Chasteen) Tuesday, Sep 15 2009

You try to look past
all the things he’ll say
that always end up
making you feel this way.

But you know inside
it’s kinda wrong
until you hear his favorite song
and go back to when
you felt so loved
and you just don’t want to be
the one to give up.

In your mind, you rationalize
the things he does
and convince yourself
that your love is enough.

You look at him
and see the man
you’re sure he is deep down.
You’re sure if you just stick around,
that man will come out.

But the boy he is now
is always tearing you down
then picking you up
and dragging you around.

You say “Maybe it’s not his fault.”
You’re heart sinks to the floor
as you realize you’re caught.

He calls the shots,
He makes the rules,
He picks you apart,
He knows what to do
to keep you
just broken enough
that you never get your strength back up.

So much of who you’ve become
has been you wanting to be his “one”

And you’re scared to death
that if you lose him, you’ll lose yourself
And you’ll never find you again
or anyone else.

But that’s not true.

When do you say ” I’ve done all I could”
and step out on a limb and do what you should?
When do you decide
this version of love is wrong?
When can you not think of him
when you hear those songs?
When do you feel that you’ll be okay
that a day without him is not a wasted day?
When do you realize this is less
than you will accept?
When do you break free
and take that step?
You give and you give,
When do you give it up
and let go
of the love
that keeps you so torn up?

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Nothing Lost (by Rebecca Chasteen) Tuesday, Jul 28 2009

Everything always rests in the air.
I fall apart,
and it ends up right there;

tension and aching
everything breaking-
pouring
sex
and
anger,
love
and
disgust,
fear and longing,
elation and crushed…

dreams and
disappointment
sincerity,
lust

I don’t trust
any one
enough
to hand them my heart
well, I have-
but that
fell apart
that,
was pretend

I believe in second chances
but some things
don’t mend,
some things
don’t settle
some things,
ride gusts of wind
hang on clouds
fog up windshields,
thicken-
hang around…

some things dissipate,
float away
only to
reassemble and return another day
find another way
to circle me
like a vulture,
like a hawk,
like the most insistent
stalk
the things they know are theirs…

I stand in smog,
in cool breezes
heavy air,
easy breathing
and still
all the honesty won’t leave
can’t be blown or brushed-
disguised at times, but never hushed
can’t be driven beyond the clouds
or to the ground

can’t be found and held captive in a distant cell
it knows me well
and clings instead
right around my chest,
just beside my head
asks me to inhale
teases me to breathe deep
and take it all back in
it waits
by my skin
insisting again
to mix, to intoxicate my strength
with courage

every exhale
requires a breath
that begs for compensation
all I’ve ever let go
is waiting…
condensation
evaporation
relocation

I’ll never be allowed to breathe
completely free
until I find a place for the words I let go
but won’t let go of me

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The “Hard” Collection (by Rebecca Chasteen) Tuesday, Jul 28 2009

Hardest session (with reflection):

It’s hard to stop
seeing
a shattered person
it’s hard
to know
how to feel

I spent too long believing

everything came
too soon
or too late

I’m angry half the time I pray

these are deeper cuts
then I ever knew
and there’s no one to bear witness
as it all bleeds through

what was lost
wasn’t even real

the bitterness of disappointment
makes me purge
myself
of the like

only to realize
I am made of much less
than I imagined

but that does little
to surprise me now.

Hardest lesson:

Everything
is too much to entrust
(but it took being crushed)

I held on,
being pushed away
I was shut out,
and I just prayed
I was put down,
but just loved too much

I gave all there was
I gave myself up

And the shock
depleted my reserves,
tainted every place you were

I’d convinced myself if I gave it all,
I’d get everything in return
and so came the hardest lesson
I ever had to learn

Broke so much I got set free:

I cried
I prayed
I tried
I stayed

I’m done.

Words are never enough:

You say you love
But words are never enough
Especially after hurting so much

You say you feel
But you have yet to prove it
Hurry up
You’re going to lose it

I can only want for so long
And I’ve been wanting so long

I can’t function like this
I think, deep down,
You like you can wreck me

Whatever

Break my heart
Over and over
Break my spirit
Chip my shoulder

You don’t want me to hate you
But it’s getting to where
I wish we never met
I wish I couldn’t care

The part of the vows no one wants to talk about:

I can’t get your hands
To make me feel loved

We all know love’s not enough
But does it take so much
Of other things
To justify
these rings?

Why does it still hurt?

I’m so sick
of the play by play
who hurt who how
point is:
it got this way.

I don’t have much else to say
that you can understand
just grasping for
truth you can stomach

And how did this
go so wrong?
We can fight about it
all night long
till
you get mad
I cry
is this the homestretch
or the long goodbye?

When does it all fall back together?
When does “it’s over” sound worse than forever?

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Haiku Tuesday, Jul 28 2009

I need roots, not vines

what’s the use of wings if I

never get to fly?

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Haiku (by Rebecca Chasteen) Monday, Jun 1 2009

Sitting here with you

Is letting a wound bleed out

All the poision.

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Goodbye is an Evening (by Rebecca Chasteen) Saturday, May 30 2009

For today’s prompt, I want you to write a farewell poem.

Goodbye is an Evening

No goodbye
I ever tried
really did anything
like what it said.

Even funerals were just midpoints,
resting spots,
before everything
spun off.

Every person’s movement,
every person’s light,
attached to the thinnest strand:
unbreakable still.

Each person
going where they go,
where they’ve been,
weaving me in.

So goodbye was just a word to say
temporary things,
to say something changed-
the end of the day.

You can’t put people away,
you can’t put away things
that keep moving,
keep meaning.

Goodbye is only an evening-
a moment when we rest between
the places we’re going
and the places we’ve seen

http://blog.writersdigest.com/poeticasides/2009/04/30/AprilPADChallengeDay30.aspx

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