Non rhyming consequence, fear, grief, honesty, intimacy, life, love, prayer, relationships, sex 10:45 pm
I want to apologize
every time he touches me
because I’m so sorry
it’s not you.
You know I tried,
right?
Or doesn’t it count-
so long ago?
Or doesn’t it matter
at all?
I hold tight to hope
while shadows push their way
as far as they can go,
take everything they can…
They can’t
take this-
this part that’s been waiting.
You know
I always wanted YOU-
right?
Rhyming aftermath, broken, childhood, consequence, coping, family, grief, honesty, letting go, life, longing, parenthood, relationships, self, solitude, strength 7:27 am
Can I just say,
it was unfair
to let me be
such a small adult.
love was not enough
to show me the ropes
A child’s decisions
should be questioned.
Didn’t anyone see
the child in me?
Didn’t anyone
lack enough belief?
It was obligation,
everything I did
It was preservation,
everything I hid
It was fear,
every time I ran
It was grasping
to understand
everything you couldn’t tell me
while you were so consumed
You didn’t see the child in me,
but I saw the one in you.
And I knew if I lost it,
if I let go
there’d be no one to come and get me
no one would know
what to say
and no one would realize
till much too late.
Rhyming beauty, choice, consequence, distance, faith, letting go, life, living, open, perspective, purpose, self, solitude, strength 7:23 am
I’ve always loved the recklessness
the road warned against
supplies
the breath of life
comes from choosing feeling
the road suggested
comes stealing conviction,
suffocating belief,
handing out grief,
it will work a spirit till it’s weak
and considers falling in line
happens all the time
to even the most headstrong
poison in the heart
making it all seem wrong
making what’s not
look so good
making what is
look like something no one would
hold on to
And the choosers forget why they choose what they choose
and don’t know what is true
or what to do
clarity comes
in so many forms
looks like perseverance pays-
seeking the soul of things
till
the chooser gets back the reigns
and can see
what it feels like
to have been right
from the first step
of recklessness
the gritty sweet
of life’s breath.
Rhyming coping, determination, faith, hope, life, living, love 7:11 am
If I could find the vessel
that so resiliently
keeps producing this optimism,
I would rip the damn thing out
that would have to be
less painful
than the torturous wait
that hoping creates
always believing
seems so masochistic
there’s no giving up, no numbing relief of indifference,
no walking away
just hope
and stay.
Rhyming aftermath, anger, broken, change, coping, determination, grief, life, purpose, self, strength 4:30 pm
Bring the fighter back,
You’ve been under attack for too long.
Letting go-
you let too much get gone.
Sometimes you wonder just where it went wrong.
You look in the mirror
and all you see
is who you used to be,
want to be,
will never be.
You can’t get free of the things
that keep breaking you down -
the things you let tear you right to the ground
Well,
Stop.
Bring the fighter back.
You’ve it all go slack.
You need to stop letting things kick your ass,
And start kicking back.
You feel lost,
At a loss,
Never enough,
Like giving up
Bring the fighter back.
You’re back and forth,
You’re up and down,
On and off the right track,
Never feeling found,
Where you stand never seeming sound.
You’re buried.
And wanting.
Stop mourning.
Start pushing.
Because the battles we fight on the inside
are the ones that effect our day-to-day lives.
Find a way to put your vices down.
It’s time to GET UP
And stop sitting around.
Find the things you’re missing.
Be done with envy and wishing.
Stop whispering excuses,
And screaming out blame.
Bring the fighter back,
And get back in the game.
Rhyming broken, communication, coping, courage, letting go, life, love, open, relationships, silence, solitude, strength, writing 11:35 pm
Everything always rests in the air.
I fall apart,
and it ends up right there;
tension and aching
everything breaking-
pouring
sex
and
anger,
love
and
disgust,
fear and longing,
elation and crushed…
dreams and
disappointment
sincerity,
lust
I don’t trust
any one
enough
to hand them my heart
well, I have-
but that
fell apart
that,
was pretend
I believe in second chances
but some things
don’t mend,
some things
don’t settle
some things,
ride gusts of wind
hang on clouds
fog up windshields,
thicken-
hang around…
some things dissipate,
float away
only to
reassemble and return another day
find another way
to circle me
like a vulture,
like a hawk,
like the most insistent
stalk
the things they know are theirs…
I stand in smog,
in cool breezes
heavy air,
easy breathing
and still
all the honesty won’t leave
can’t be blown or brushed-
disguised at times, but never hushed
can’t be driven beyond the clouds
or to the ground
can’t be found and held captive in a distant cell
it knows me well
and clings instead
right around my chest,
just beside my head
asks me to inhale
teases me to breathe deep
and take it all back in
it waits
by my skin
insisting again
to mix, to intoxicate my strength
with courage
every exhale
requires a breath
that begs for compensation
all I’ve ever let go
is waiting…
condensation
evaporation
relocation
I’ll never be allowed to breathe
completely free
until I find a place for the words I let go
but won’t let go of me
Collection and Piecework and Rhyming aftermath, anger, broken, communication, consequence, coping, distance, fear, grief, honesty, intimacy, letting go, life, love, relationships, sex, strength 10:41 pm
Hardest session (with reflection):
It’s hard to stop
seeing
a shattered person
it’s hard
to know
how to feel
I spent too long believing
everything came
too soon
or too late
I’m angry half the time I pray
these are deeper cuts
then I ever knew
and there’s no one to bear witness
as it all bleeds through
what was lost
wasn’t even real
the bitterness of disappointment
makes me purge
myself
of the like
only to realize
I am made of much less
than I imagined
but that does little
to surprise me now.
Hardest lesson:
Everything
is too much to entrust
(but it took being crushed)
I held on,
being pushed away
I was shut out,
and I just prayed
I was put down,
but just loved too much
I gave all there was
I gave myself up
And the shock
depleted my reserves,
tainted every place you were
I’d convinced myself if I gave it all,
I’d get everything in return
and so came the hardest lesson
I ever had to learn
Broke so much I got set free:
I cried
I prayed
I tried
I stayed
I’m done.
Words are never enough:
You say you love
But words are never enough
Especially after hurting so much
You say you feel
But you have yet to prove it
Hurry up
You’re going to lose it
I can only want for so long
And I’ve been wanting so long
I can’t function like this
I think, deep down,
You like you can wreck me
Whatever
Break my heart
Over and over
Break my spirit
Chip my shoulder
You don’t want me to hate you
But it’s getting to where
I wish we never met
I wish I couldn’t care
The part of the vows no one wants to talk about:
I can’t get your hands
To make me feel loved
We all know love’s not enough
But does it take so much
Of other things
To justify
these rings?
Why does it still hurt?
I’m so sick
of the play by play
who hurt who how
point is:
it got this way.
I don’t have much else to say
that you can understand
just grasping for
truth you can stomach
And how did this
go so wrong?
We can fight about it
all night long
till
you get mad
I cry
is this the homestretch
or the long goodbye?
When does it all fall back together?
When does “it’s over” sound worse than forever?
Haiku and Rhyming and Vintage anger, coping, family, fear, letting go, life, living, longing, self 10:36 pm
I need roots, not vines
what’s the use of wings if I
never get to fly?
Rhyming beauty, determination, distance, faith, friendship, intimacy, life, love, perspective, purpose, relationships 6:40 am
I see the steady line
of you and I
in the folds of time
it’s never been
anything else
no matter
how far
no matter how little
how much
we touch
on that line
so easy,
it’s hard to follow
but we’re free from everything-
you and I
on that steady line
I promise you
I saw it there
all along
I find hope in standing here
looking forward, looking back
all the roads we take
fall to, or from this track
and they all lead here
it’s what I know more than what I feel
because I feel
everything
and I usually fall down
waiting
or move forward, almost
giving up
throwing out crumbs for you to follow
forgetting you know the way
the way’s the same-
some things don’t change
I see the steady line
of you and I
in all the folds of time
Don’t you know
there’s no right or wrong?
Haven’t you known that
all along?
I’ve known
all along
about you
we are both
wind and sun
we are everywhere, there’s no where to run
we are everything, underneath it all
it doesn’t matter-
walls
fall
and there,
behind,
you’ll find
that steady line
of you and I.
Rhyming and Vintage coping, family, farm, grief, life, nature, personal history 3:50 pm
I wrote this when I was 14, in 8th grade. The title is Porch Swing.
The dogwood blooms have fallen off
Spring flowers passed away
The late sunset signifies
The end to the hot day
While crickets sing
Fireflies dance
And the sunset fades away
Porch swing creaks
And I can almost hear my grandma singing
Amazing Grace
How sweet the sound
In my imagination
Barefoot in the grass
Avoiding the broken glass
Of the abandoned house
Once theirs
And the porch swing creaks
My grandfather speaks
To me
No one else can hear him
And I only see
Those trees
From the porch swing
All that’s left are memories
Where two people used to be
And all that’s left to see
Is an old farmhouse
And a silent swing.
