Non rhyming communication, distance, honesty, institutions, intimacy, relationships, self, solitude 10:38 pm
It’s a happy madness.
I wish you understood
the clothes on the floor,
the books and papers and pens-
the movement.
I wish you saw how pretty
the movement
is;
the moments when
nothing matters.
I could never trust you with that,
with something
as precious as that;
of course I tried,
only to find
.every.
.time.
you marked it wrong,
told me so
and grabbed me to come along.
But I’m happy
in the madness, the movement
I am happy
in,
on,
my own
Non rhyming communication, determination, fantasy, fear, honesty, letting go, living, longing, purpose, relationships, self, solitude, writing 3:49 pm
if i could bury myself in this, i would. i would suffocate myself with this. i would place it over my mouth, my nose, my eyes. i
would just let it be the last thing i breathe, the last thing i see, the last thing i think. i
would leave it
just like that. so i would never have to wake up without it one more day. so i
would never
have to look at it from a distance, from an unimaginable distance. i
wouldn’t have to
yell into the void between, the place where my voice never reaches, my words
never matter enough.
i wouldn’t question again why i stand on the fringe of it all, why i
assume
my bridges are too shaky, or my roots too heavy, my intensity too much or
of course, not enough, whatever the argument may be. or that i
am too much or
too little
never again a concern because,entombed in this, i couldn’t be
anything else
but the one who carried this so close it took over and
took my place, couraged me enough to
let go and just
be this
and nothing else, since
i
never really was the rest. i never really was anything else anyway.
Rhyming aftermath, broken, childhood, consequence, coping, family, grief, honesty, letting go, life, longing, parenthood, relationships, self, solitude, strength 7:27 am
Can I just say,
it was unfair
to let me be
such a small adult.
love was not enough
to show me the ropes
A child’s decisions
should be questioned.
Didn’t anyone see
the child in me?
Didn’t anyone
lack enough belief?
It was obligation,
everything I did
It was preservation,
everything I hid
It was fear,
every time I ran
It was grasping
to understand
everything you couldn’t tell me
while you were so consumed
You didn’t see the child in me,
but I saw the one in you.
And I knew if I lost it,
if I let go
there’d be no one to come and get me
no one would know
what to say
and no one would realize
till much too late.
Rhyming beauty, choice, consequence, distance, faith, letting go, life, living, open, perspective, purpose, self, solitude, strength 7:23 am
I’ve always loved the recklessness
the road warned against
supplies
the breath of life
comes from choosing feeling
the road suggested
comes stealing conviction,
suffocating belief,
handing out grief,
it will work a spirit till it’s weak
and considers falling in line
happens all the time
to even the most headstrong
poison in the heart
making it all seem wrong
making what’s not
look so good
making what is
look like something no one would
hold on to
And the choosers forget why they choose what they choose
and don’t know what is true
or what to do
clarity comes
in so many forms
looks like perseverance pays-
seeking the soul of things
till
the chooser gets back the reigns
and can see
what it feels like
to have been right
from the first step
of recklessness
the gritty sweet
of life’s breath.
Rhyming broken, communication, coping, courage, letting go, life, love, open, relationships, silence, solitude, strength, writing 11:35 pm
Everything always rests in the air.
I fall apart,
and it ends up right there;
tension and aching
everything breaking-
pouring
sex
and
anger,
love
and
disgust,
fear and longing,
elation and crushed…
dreams and
disappointment
sincerity,
lust
I don’t trust
any one
enough
to hand them my heart
well, I have-
but that
fell apart
that,
was pretend
I believe in second chances
but some things
don’t mend,
some things
don’t settle
some things,
ride gusts of wind
hang on clouds
fog up windshields,
thicken-
hang around…
some things dissipate,
float away
only to
reassemble and return another day
find another way
to circle me
like a vulture,
like a hawk,
like the most insistent
stalk
the things they know are theirs…
I stand in smog,
in cool breezes
heavy air,
easy breathing
and still
all the honesty won’t leave
can’t be blown or brushed-
disguised at times, but never hushed
can’t be driven beyond the clouds
or to the ground
can’t be found and held captive in a distant cell
it knows me well
and clings instead
right around my chest,
just beside my head
asks me to inhale
teases me to breathe deep
and take it all back in
it waits
by my skin
insisting again
to mix, to intoxicate my strength
with courage
every exhale
requires a breath
that begs for compensation
all I’ve ever let go
is waiting…
condensation
evaporation
relocation
I’ll never be allowed to breathe
completely free
until I find a place for the words I let go
but won’t let go of me
Rhyming and Vintage anger, broken, coping, solitude 1:44 pm
This was written when I was 15, in 9th grade.
I always come back here,
my comfort zone
where I drop to when I feel alone
I fall back into
my sullen cell
I get so tired of people
they’re so dumb
I’m hypocritical,
I know
I’m down and out,
does it show?
I’m fighting tears and fits of rage
I’m burning in this spotlight on this stage
I hate this place
I smile to front
Someone, fill this space
Damn this place
Damn you all
Damn these emotions
I always fall
into this solemn state
I feel safe
I’m not
I’m more vulnerable
than I was before
I’m more confused
more insecure
so,here I am
broken again
I’m tired of all this
But I’m scared to move on
It’s not the innocence I miss
It’s my fault I’m alone
cause I’m not
I’m just pulling away
melancholy
jealousy
I’m stained
all this pain
it’s all the same
soon it will fade
I’ll be okay.
Rhyming belief, determination, honesty, living, self, solitude, spirituality 5:12 am
“You have made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand.” Psalm 16:11
It’s Okay to Walk Alone (5/22/00)
It’s okay to walk alone.
Once you’ve made up your mind,
don’t ever doubt the truth you know,
don’t be discouraged
when you find yourself
alone
on a road that seems unused.
It’s okay to not make sense to anyone but yourself.
Don’t be frustrated when
everyone fails to understand,
don’t feel abandoned when you reach for a hand
and no one’s reaching out.
Don’t you know the words you say reach God in heave when you pray?
So don’t feel lonely.
And when you begin to realize that no one else
can see things through your eyes,
find a way to show them your world.
Don’t let anyone ignore
how beautiful you are.
If you decide to walk alone,
you must be strong.
Don’t ever condone what you know is wrong,
don’t pretend to agree with what you don’t believe,
don’t place your faith in something that will change,
don’t lose your hope,
don’t run from pain.
And when inside your heart the truth is known,
don’t be afraid to walk alone.
As I promised long ago to Caleb, this is an older poem (not the really old stuff, but I’ll get there!). I’m about to post a few more as well. I picked out the ones I picked because I read a blog entry by a friend of a friend that inspired the selection. Sometimes, the best way to say “I’ve been there”, is to just be there, as you were, as you are.
Woven into each of these older poems that I’ll post today is G.A. (General Appalachian) camp at the Advent Christian campground in Blocking Rock NC, Alpha Omega youth group from Dulins Grove Church, and the farm- the dirt road, the open sky, the sun. I couldn’t unweave these influences if I tried. They still run rampant through my heart and push themselves out at any given moment. A collection of “homes”, of places I met with, challenged, devoured, submitted to, and learned the power and freedom of a God-induced high. Places where I was never held back, never rejected, never discouraged. I can say, without a doubt I wouldn’t be this person without those places (and all they encompassed).
Non rhyming belief, broken, coping, fear, life, love, open, prayer, solitude, spirituality, strength 11:46 pm
Please help me keep perspective.
Be my protector, and my stronghold.
My center, my buoy.
Grant me clarity and wisdom.
Set right my compass.
Propel me through the uncharted waters,
through the depths of my uncertainties.
And wrap me in comfort;
may it soak through my pores.
Send peace through my veins,
coursing through every living part of me,
until the peace is all I believe.
Expel the fog
the fears
so the clutch is loosened,
the chokehold, freed
so I am breathing again
so I am a version
more capable
so I am
able to vessel
the light
that You are
gleaming through
the
cracks
of this
jar.
Rhyming friendship, intimacy, lonliness, relationships, solitude 2:57 pm
It’s quiet, waiting
right behind the trees
eyes between the leaves
waiting for
just the right ear
to pour this into
word after word
that’s all I want to do
no one comes by
alone
no one questions what they’re shown
no one turns
when I rustle the leaves
not the ones I want, at least
Hungry,
I eventually
grab the wrong one,
hide the words
and run
