fading back to black

Somewhere along the way

I started pretending I wasn’t quite as broken

as I knew I might have been

because if you don’t tell anyone

about the shambles

they won’t even be real

 

and haven’t I always still had more

than so many others?

Is more than others not enough?

 

Some things, maybe, don’t just roll off your back

but

if you cover up your cracks enough

you can walk back out into the world

and no one will be the wiser

for a long long while

 

and if you find just the right combo

of numbing agents

you will forget too

 

until one day a wave of panic

or sadness

or fury

sweeps fiercely across your make-believe

and you’ll start to see

you weren’t

okay

after all

 

you can’t just opt out of recovery

no matter how much privilege you still carry around amongst your disarray

 

other people’s struggles doesn’t negate your own

and a few good days don’t heal all the hard ones away

 

sometimes we believe the lie

that we can control our life

if we just do everything right

 

I’ve seen that lie blow up time after time

but I still fall for it

 

trying to make everything seem tidied up

because surely that will be enough

to keep trouble at bay

keep the dark things away

 

but there’s something precious

in the darkness

in the midst of all your rawness

the willingness

a reckless need

that if you turn it towards the light

just sets you free

 

I’ve spent too much time

measuring the rightness of my words

concerned with how they’ll be heard

 

I’m going to have to let that go

I’m no where near

all healed

and I need these words

to work their wonder

 

they’ve festered in my caution far too long

scared of what could happen if someone reads them wrong

but

pretending I don’t have anything to say

isn’t working anyway

so…

overweight

i’ve been bearing the weight of my words

in my waist

and hips

i’ve even started carrying them

beneath my chin

 

they don’t belong here

 

but the world

all of a sudden

didn’t seem the place for them

 

so i swallowed them

everyday

and now i’m swollen

uncomfortable

achy

 

i want to be free of this

kind of heaviness

 

 

i kept craving and I was cautious

waiting

for

something – so many things

but i’ve become sick

in the waiting

 

so now

i’ve got to let them

start trickling out

anyways

 

 

 

 

 

off the market

you were allowed to buy your way in

and then

manipulate the weakness of want

to capitalize personal gains

 

the desperate often sign their lives away

to false gods

 

we’ve all seen this before

but we all believe

“it could never happen to me”

 

there is no honor among thieves

 

your only interest in humanity is how to use it

you consume it

yet you seem to lack it

gladly

 

like empathy just makes you weak

god forbid anyone know you bleed

 

everyone’s desperate for belief

 

I know

 

me too

 

but you

aren’t buying your way in

to me

war games

you move through the world

with rotten fruit hanging from your branches

conniving ways to dumb us to the stench of it

 

twisting everything until enough people believe

they like the sickness in their stomach

and they like to watch their neighbors squirm in pain –

 

they must deserve it

you know

 

for safety’s sake

some people are disposable

 

it just has to be that way

smoke screen

be afraid of the “other”

destroy discomfort

worship the idol of “winning”

 

sermon titles

 

I watch the religious devour

 

some strange new national religion

deceptive and dangerous

eternally fatal

 

none of your concern

 

you didn’t create that monster

but you have climbed upon it

riding it

with your sword held high

darkness by your side

 

I see you for what you are

There Is A Resistance

There is a resistance –

waves of light that aren’t subject to tirades or mind games

that won’t be defeated

that won’t fall away

 

we defend with the light we’ve been anointed with

we were made for this

 

march2011036

 

I know what I know

and I know

fear is the tool of the enemy

and

love conquers hate

 

there will come a day

all the sleeping will awake

evil will implode upon itself

and be cast away

justice will be served

and love will reign

 

I can’t wait.