Grief

I realize suddenly

that I am arguing with Grief.

There is a person across from me – full of forceful words and seething behind their chest

But they are currently inhabited by Grief who is taking a good run at me with words that trigger my fight responses

I have seen Grief unravel so many things: families, fortunes, faiths – without discrimination and with no end date

Marking children

and grandchildren

generations…

How far do you have to trace along your family line to find it?

Not far.

It’s a quiet ache on the good days

and a wolf snarling at the door on the worst

I try to breathe and see the person underneath this time,

before I hurl the weapons waiting in my mouth intent to injure

This is how some wars are lost,

distracted by a false enemy,

using up your resources in the wrong places

I’ve watched Grief burn everything to the ground before

So I am careful to keep the spark out of my eyes. No fuel tonight.

But Grief is insistent. It keeps coming for me – demanding I give it something

I didn’t want this work tonight

I hate the way Grief crashes in

demanding so much attention.

This one is in it’s toddler phase

and everyone knows how needy toddlers are,

how destructive they can be if left to their own devices

and so I curl myself around it, this is something I can do well

twisting, twirling

rabbit holes and side roads

until Grief is tired of me –

of trying to make fires in the wind of my movement

I watch it puddle on the ground and know it is just laying dormant for a while

there’s no defeating Grief.

You can teach it though

the rules of your home,

what you will allow,

the way you will let it live with you.